An Open Letter to Lane Bryant

Dear Lane Bryant Design Team,

Last weekend I went to Lane Bryant in search for some khakis and completer pieces and guess what I found? The perfect outfits to become a celebrity on the People of Walmart website. I am not sure who you are, but it needs to stop. Just stop. You are not doing us any favors by making skinny pants with little ankle zippers. Some ladies might not know how to dress their bodies to flatter so they are dependent on you to assemble a trendy, slimming wardrobe. Well, guess what, Lane Bryant? You can't fool me.

Stuffed Sausage:

• I know that even though skinny pants are "in" this season, I won't be putting them on my body. I don't want to look like an overstuffed sausage. 
• I also know that ankle pants make plus-sized beauties look short and stubby. An athletically built 5'2" girl can pull off ankle pants, but you know we can't. It is almost humorous how poorly you are encouraging us to dress. 

Blubby:

• I understand that people like to dress to  be comfortable. However, that doesn't mean that all plus-sized girls like to wear stretchy fabrics all the time. Do you realize that T-shirts get all stuck up in one's fat rolls and then makes it look like we just got out of bed? Is that the look that you are going for? Give us a little structure and respect. 
• Our arms might be chubbier than some, but that doesn't mean that we want our sleeves to start at our elbows. You have the expertise to create tops that don't scream "I NEED TO WEAR PLUS SIZE. CHECK OUT THE ELASTIC ON MY SHIRT!" Please do so. 
• Horizontal stripes. Really? 

In closing, I simply beg of you to consider your audience before designing clothes for us. We trust you to make us look good and lately you have been letting us down.

Sincerely,
Natalie

Just Google It.

There comes a time in every chunky girl's life where she googles something embarrassing. It meets these two qualifications: 1. She hopes someone has asked the same question. (So she can find answers, of course.) 2. She hopes she can delete her browsing history before anyone knows she searched for that. My recent search terms have been things like "control top leggings", "how to get permanent marker off my skin", and "Can fat people go skiing?" The latter is the one I hurried to delete from my browsing history. It was followed up with searches for plus-size ski boots, leg measurements for ski boots, weight limit for skis, width of a chair lift, and (perhaps most important of my searches) how to get up after falling when wearing skis. My search was disheartening as I realized I would probably have to enter into an intimidating ski shop full of people who wear clothes from places like Zumez and EMS, get custom boots made for my legs, buy skis (so I could avoid writing my weight on the rental application at the resort), score a winter coat (which I have successfully avoided for years), and then still try to figure out how to get up after I fell without breaking into a full sweat. After all of my expensive ski purchases...what if I hated skiing? I decided that asking Google if I was too fat to ski was a breaking point for me. Although I am a confident girl, my chubbiness has never inhibited me from trying something new...until now. I want to be able to get up if I fall. I want to know that if I tear my ACL on the slopes I will be able to support myself on crutches. So I am aiming for next year. It might take me that long to find custom boots anyway! In the mean time, if you are willing to give it a go and need some ski gear and don't want to worry about deleting your search history - here is the best stuff I found:) Plus-size snow pants and jackets and Boots for large calves. Alright, ladies. I am off to the gym. My next post will be about my fat crying.

Supporting your Assets

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to wear a bra. When I finally started wearing a bra, it was a sports bra. Nothing says "welcome to womanhood" like a uni-boob. Thankfully, training bras have come a long way since 1993. Once I transitioned to the awkward "real" bra, I never really appreciated what it could do for me until college. To me, it was just a necessary evil. Once I discovered the power of a perfect bra, I have felt the need to tell the world - so listen up!

Ladies, you need to have a clear definition between your chub and your assets. Your chest should be well supported - regardless of age. Comfort is definitely a consideration but should not be the end-all. Here is what you should look for in an amazing "over the shoulder boulder holder" (thanks for that phrase, Punky Brewster).

1. Proper sizing. Go to Victoria's Secret, Sears, JC Penny, or a bra specialty shop and get fitted. Then, stay pretty much within that range. "Range?" You ask? Yes. Each bra and each brand will fit differently so try on multiple bras unti you find the one that matches with the rest of the advice below.
2. Support. 80% of the support should come from the back strap. It should fit loose enough so you can fit 2 fingers under the back strap and it is best to start on the middle hook.
3. Adjustable straps. If your chest is still "saggy", adjust your shoulder straps. A new bra should allow the shoulder straps plenty of "tightening" space. As the bra gets older, you will want to be able to tighten the shoulder straps. Also, the ability to criss-cross your straps will give unbelievable support. Try it sometime!
4. Underwire. Hear me out on this one. If the bra fits well, the underwire will lay flat against your ribcage and along the outside of each breast. A well-fitting bra will be comfortable. Make sure you are wearing the right size...then try several styles. The lift provided by the underwire is unmatched.
5. Padding. Just because you are well-endowed, doesn't mean you shouldn't have some padding in your bra. Good padding in the base if the bra cup will give your chest the extra boost it needs.
6. Fun. Buy a bra you like and that you are comfortable in. Wear it all day and if you decide you like it, but several more...and then throw out your boring bras:)

Good luck, ladies. A well supported chest makes your waste look thinner and balances out your hips.